Visiting my brother at Valley of the Temples brings me mixed emotions. Knowing that he isn't really there with me physically, makes my heart fill with despair. But truthfully, I know that he is there with me spiritually, even if I am not at his grave. I would talk to him about my day and all of the drama that has been going on with my life. I would sing to him and tell him how lucky he is because he doesn't have to endure my parent's irritating nagging. Even though he's not replying to me, I know that he is listening and he would give me the strength to conquer the obstacles that life would bring me.
Valley of the Temples is truthfully a beautiful place inside and out. "It is located on the Windward Side of Oahu, the cemetery is nestled in a cleft of the Pali and home to wild peacocks and hundreds of Japanese koi carp. "(Valley of the Temples par,1). This place provides peace and care for families that lost their loved ones. Valley of the Temples shelters a temple called the Byodo-in Temple. The Byodo-in Temple is a non-practicing buddhist temple, that welcomes all faiths. People go there to worship, mediate, or just admire the natural beauty that the temple holds. The beautiful grounds of the temple includes a large reflecting pond, small waterfalls, and meditation niches. People that come here describe this place as a "one of a kind attraction".
Valley of the temples is a place you could go to, to feel loved, respected, and wanted. In this place you could cry a river and not be judged. The calming hills and waterfalls makes you forget about all of your problems. The whispering wind sweeps through your hair as it helps you dry your tears. It is not only a sanctuary for me, but it is also for the people that has stress, despair, or grief in their life. Some people just like going to Valley of the temples because they want to admire the natural beauty of the land. Although this is a place that I cannot go to everyday, I still consider this place as my second home, my querencia.
Lina,
ReplyDeleteI feel that your purpose was really strong and I feel you didn't lose track of your main idea during this essay, I felt like you sticked to your idea and didn't wonder off. When reading this essay, as your audience I can really see what you are saying for example when you said that the temple includes a large reflecting pond, small waterfalls, and meditation ditches. One thing I would suggest is that you add more sensory details so the audience has a clearer understanding of where you are, how your feeling and what do you do when you go there. The form of this essay was organized because you started off by talking about stress, then about your brother, then goes to the scene of your querencia. For your conventions its really good except this one where you put cleft in your third paragraph. I think you meant cliff. For voice during this essay I can hear your voice somewhat clear especially when you added your personal experiences. I think that you should add more personal comments and add more reflection such as, when do you go there, how do you feel compared to anything else, who are you with, etc. But overall I think you did a good job on this essay.
Great Essay! You stuck with why you like this place and to why you love to visit this specific location for your sake. It is crystal clear to why you like it so much. But who is the audience? Me the reader, someone else your brother, who? If you don't have a specific person you want to share it with, then at least include the audience, but yet being yourself. Make sure that whatever you say, would make the audience feel included and engaged. The form of everything is great, it follows your main topic, yet it feels right, it feels smooth, it does follow its topic well, not drifting off to other things.The sentences flowed well and followed a good pace. When you started talking about something in a paragraph, you kept going until you were finished, which is good. I think you need more voice and more personal comments though, show the reader, not tell. What do you feel other than this list of emotions, what do you think of the place specifically, and make your thoughts clear. Other than that, its a great essay, it has consistency with its main purpose, and topic, you keep the sentence flow together. This essay is probably the best one I read so far! Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteYOUR ESSAY NEEDS TO BE ABOUT YOU AND NOT SOMEONE ELSE AND HOW THEY WOULD FEEL IF THEY WENT THERE (LAST PARAGRAPH).
ReplyDeleteYOU SPEND SO MUCH TIME DESCRIBING THE PLACE BUT NOT ENOUGH TIME REFLECTING ON WHY THIS PLACE IS SPECIAL COMPARED TO ANYWHERE ELSE AND WHAT DO YOU DO EXACTLY TO HELP RELIEVE THAT STRESS. MS(3)